I Won't Bring Them Here..!!

"When u reach the age of 60 u'll feel it".. he said it quickly and unintentionally as he stepped out of the room. His remark kept me in the seat unable to move, to listen or to see anything. It's just the idea that controlled me entirely. these questions were the only possible paasers by my mind:
Why after 60?
Why not now?

And after sixty everything will be quite dreadful. our shapes will never be the same. I will be more inclined or unified with death. Yeah I believe we come here to die. I can't imagine how quickly time goes on, and every moment goes by brings me nearer to something dreadful. I don't want to marry. It's a cooperation towards failure. I dont want to have children; why do I bring to this merciless life another innocent human without asking him/her if [s]he'd like to come or not.
I dont want to go for sixty years, I dont want to be older than this moment. I dont want to see myself at the age of sixty looking back at my past life and wonder or regret. I dont want to repeat the tragedy again with children that r supposed to be mine. I dont want them to come then die; I will be a killer, arent I?

But when I imagine how dreadful it is to live alone, how meaningless it is when no woman comes to shine in the dark cave of my soul, how hard and cruel it is when one dies and no sons or daughters come to put some flowers on my grave; when no son remembers me and prays for me; when I'm totally forgotten in the underworld deaf and blind, I say to myself: well, it's ok to marry and have children. But then I remember that what we do in our youth we might not realize its fruit unless we grow old, and very old indeed.

Then I ask myself how will I bring up my children. What are the criteria; what is the ideology? what kind of education shall i be giving them? ON which principles shall i bring them up? How am i going to deal with their sexuality and how to direct him or her? Or Should I be leaving them to know everything by experience? or what or what or what?

I dont want them to come here. I'm not sure they will be happy. I'm not sure I will be able to help them bear the curses of just being alive in the 21st century. They won't bear being muslims easterners, and egyptians in our age. They will curse their fate. I will keep them in the world of darkness. It is better, isn't it?